The whirl wind

Wow, where do I begin. Life was such a whirl wind for about 2 weeks. I am feeling grounded again. Maybe it is because I had surgery and had to slow down. I feel like my feet are back on the ground. Or should I say off the bed.

ok, lets start with the surgery. I was thinking a small surgery life the left boob a little more and get all the scar tissue out of the right one caused by the radiation. That sounds easy right?

Well now I have a drain coming out of my right side and left side and way more pain than I thought. It came in between the mastectomy and the getting of my permanent implants for a pain scale. I must say though that yesterday seemed to be a turning point and now if I could just get these drains out and and the elastic band that is around the top of my boobs gone I would feel way better. I can feel the drain in my right side right under my breast laying on my rib I think.

The day Dan and I were told that I should have about 2 years until the tumors in my lungs became symptomatic, then 3 years of treatments and anything after that would be a bonus. There is no other thing to say then. Are you kidding me. I am going to die of cancer. That is a hard one to wrap your brain around. I have always kind of thought I would, but even that is no guarantee. I could be hit by a bolt of lightening, fall in the shower, (chock on a chicken bone ,this one is more likely )

Dan and I both went through bouts of crying and sadness. We took a few days off from the world and we were together. It is a togetherness like no other. When you feel like you are going to be torn from the one you love so much. That nothing else matters. You can not put into words enough how heavy your heart feels. All the things that you think you will not be there for. I want to grow old with Dan. I want to be the one to get his slippers and help him put them on his feet. I want to cuddle into the curve of his back and keep his old bones warm. I want to be the one that goes to the store and gets his favorite foods and buy his undies and socks. This is what I want to do. I want to look at him and see the young man I married almost 30 years ago. I still see him everyday.

Then I realized that maybe we have been given a gift. KNOWLEDGE. Time is more precious than ever don't waste it.

So, we are getting our home that we have loved for about 11 years on the market and looking to move to a single story home. Little to no yard and probably brand new ( no work for Dan on weekends) We are going to play on the weekends and spend time with the people that we love. No more time on the yard, plumbing. caulking. whatever. Hopeful we will have simplified our daily life.

In the midst of our whirl wind Dan and I sat down and poured our hearts out to what what was going through our minds.  We did not hold back for fear of making the other person more afraid. I told him the thing that I was struggling with the most was that I felt like I was losing everyone, EVERYONE . At some point I would be gone and I was going to miss out on all that my family was doing and growing. My family means the world to me, they are my life's reward, my reason for being.

Dan said that at first he would be in shock and go to work and come home and pretend I was at work. Then he would be the old man that shows up to the holidays alone. That his home would never be home again without me here. For me looking at it now his walk through this will be much harder than mine. For this I am so sorry for. Letting each other know what was running around in our minds like crazy little devils, started the process of getting grounded again.  

We were both going through our own whirl winds and needed to say a few thing things in order to get our feet on the ground. Then the peace of Jesus came in like a flood, over flowing.

I thought about going to heaven and seeing all the people that I love there. My mom and Dad. Wow I miss them. I am sure that they have found out some great things about heaven that they can point out to me. I was thinking how people think that you are floating in the sky with a harp. NO that's not it. I am going to be dinning with my loved ones and the King of king the Lord of Lords. My guess is that there will be loads of laughter and joking. I love to do that. "Laughter doeth good like a medicine".

No I think heaven is going to put Earth to shame . no sadness, no tears, no sickness. It is going to be amazing.  I will be thinking .... I cant wait for them to get here to see what THEY were missing.

For now I am going to put as much life in my life that I can. Love my family and I am going to live REALLY live my life.