One treatment down about 35 to go

I did it. I had my first radiation treatment. I would have to say it is like having a long x ray where you are suppose to hold still the whole time. It took them about 10-15 minutes to get it all set up and make sure that all their markers were where they wanted them to be. Then the second guy double checks the first guy. My Doctor was waiting out side by the computer screens watching everything going on in the room via TV and also see in it on the computer screens. once a week I will have 2 rays and I will have a CT scan each day with the radiation treatments.  They said it would take a little longer because they were going to come at it in 10 different ways.
I have a bit of a head ache now, I am sure it is stress. I cried when we came out . Just so relieved to have the first one over and now know what to expect. It is all so new and the unknown is a little scary.
I am sure that I will never hear the Sting song. And they danced the same way again. I think I will always remember laying there on that table with the little green Lazar light across the ceiling and the machine going around me. They ask you what you want to listen to and they just put it on. Today was Sting
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCqVYPSQEhI
it was very surreal

Christmas and possibilities

I love Christmas and was so excited to get our tree up. We are having thanksgiving and Kails home so It wont matter that my tree is up before Thanksgiving. No one coming for a Thanksgiving celebration will be disappointed to see it. I love waking up and turning the lights on. Each time I go Yippee in my heart.

This weekend I will get the rest of the house all fixed up. Right after a trip to the snow. I will post photos of that when we get back. 

Have you guessed yet that I LOVE!!!!!! SNOW also

Quick story.

 When Michael was about 3 years old I was sitting on the couch looking out the window. The news said that there was a possibility of snow. Michael asked me what I was doing and I told him that there was a possibility of snow. We were both excited about it then. Later that day He was on the couch looking out the window and I asked him what he was doing he told me  "looking" I asked him what he was looking at, and he said very grown up like " possibilities"   I just love what kids say

He is 28 now with a small son of his own. I hope that Aiden loves snow as much as his father

today is the day

I am so glad to be starting radiation today. It might seem crazy, but doing nothing is like you know a army is marching against you and you are just sitting back and sipping lemonade saying I will do something about it tomorrow. It feels like you have not even sounded the call to war. NOW my army will get marching and hopefully we will be the victor's.

They did not start it today after all... BUMMED

for all the ladies in my life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5lO4hEAJHU&ob=av3n

Ladies, you all need to listen to this song and think of it as if the Lord has asked someone to sing it to you for him.(except the kissing part)
Think of this as if he asked someone to walk up to you on the street and said this is a song from Jesus Christ to you. Please listen to how he feels about you.

He created you and loves you just the way you are.
Be yourself  everyone else is already taken. ( love that quote )

tomorrow the first of many

Well I will start my radiation treatments tomorrow an 10:05am. No I wont glow, yes I can be around small children and babies. I am not worried about the treatments themselves. I just really really want it to work.
I still wake up and for a few minutes it is like every other day and then I remember the BIG C. I actually have to talk myself through all the reasons everything is ok today and then I can get out of bed. Some times I can go hours and forget. That is thanks to my friends and family.
Then there are the time's I am over come with sadness for what MIGHT or COULD happen. I watch Dan in our evening routine that we both know and love so much and then I imagine me not in the picture. That just overwhelms me with sadness. I look at Dan in his favorite chair after a day of work telling me about his day. Saying funny things and making up weird possible story's with a funny outcome. I don't want him to come home to where he is alone. That he has no one to come home to. I know that this is vain imaginations and I just need to not entertain them. I am just being honest that they happen.
I was with Rachael at the store today and I had a couple of sharp pains in my right breast. For awhile I had forgot about it. I was having fun with she and Rylan. Then just a quick jab, jab and that little Adrenalin burst comes and says you have cancer.( I did not mention it to her) I dont want to miss trips to a store with Rachael, survivor night at Kail and Dans home. Listening to a new song with Michael. Hearing all the stories of what my beautiful grand children can do OR DID. I want to be here for it all.  

  Psalm 91:4, He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

 I need to never lose track of the fact that the Lord has me covered with his wings. He knows all my hopes and dreams.

sweet smiling faces in unusual places

This old suit case smiled at me all last year while I layed in bed. When ever I would start to feel a little down I would look about my TV and see this super happy face and it could almost always make me grin. This suit case is now a very dear friend. His name is Luttman.

I have given away a few pieces of my old luggage, but Luttman is going to have a place in my room forever. He is a reminder to me to try to find joy in everything. I have even thought about writting a kids book about Luttman.

go to your happy place

I learned something about myself today. When I am up against something I don't want to do or is hard for me to do I go into my happy place.
I had to have a ultra sound of some lymph nodes and they decided to do a biopsy on one of them . Last time I had a biopsy they took me off the heart monitor because the alarm kept going off saying I was not breathing. Today when I was done I had been to my happy place again. They took my blood pressure afterwards and it was 105 over 56. The asked me if it was always that low. I said no. I cried before it, but not during it. When it was over I started crying again. Then when I got home Kail was here waiting and I just broke down and cried some more. I told her I was fine that it was a kind of uncontrolled crying from having to make my mind and body be in so much control and in my happy place. I kind of make my mind go blank. I should have the results by Thursday. The Doctor that did the biopsy procedure said that it did not look very significant. I hope she is right. I told her when I have been drawing straws lately I have not been drawing the good ones.
Dan always trying to cheer me up asked... WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?  He is my giant cheer leader.
always telling me how tough I am and what a great job I am doing with it all.

You are my king.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rPvrXoIVl0

 

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer the end of last February I woke up in the middle of the night.

I do this sometimes. usually when I wake up in the middle of the night I hear over and over a song that I had heard the day before. That night I heard the chorus to amazing love. This is a song that I had not heard for about 10 years. I got up I the morning and I got on youtube and looked the song up. I just really needed to hear the rest of the song. I felt like it was a song from the Lord to me. I sat at the kitchen counter on my lap top and listened to the song and had tears rolling down my cheeks. I turned to Dan to say how much it meant to me to hear the song and noticed the he to had tears rolling down his cheeks.

I will never forget that night. I also remember laying in the bed in the middle of the night awake and Dan reached over and we just layed there and held hands until we fell back to sleep. He is my Rock.

Triple negative cancer

Dan and I saw my Surgeon on Monday morning. We talked to her about some of our concerns about not starting radiation until early Dec. She said that we should go straight to the radiation oncology department down stairs and she would call them as soon as I left her office. She let them know that Dec was to long of a wait that I was ready now. We talked over the pathology reports that confirmed that indeed this was the same breast cancer I had last year. It is a very resilient kind called a triple negative.
Thank you Dr Dayton. She has truly been a advocate for me (and my girls)

I am going to have back to back appointments on Monday the 7th. The first one at 8 am is to get my mock up and 3 little tattoos kind of like survey markers for the machine to know just where to aim all the rads at.
Second will be a CT Scan  ( my 4th in 3 weeks )
.
This is the breast cancer that I have triple negative. If you want to know more about it, here is a good link to it

 http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/diagnosis/trip_neg/behavior.jsp

The soup de Tour

Dan and I had a great week in Bend. We ate our way from Madras to Lapine and every where in between.
We started with chili and bean and ham soup in Sisters at the Gallery on Monday night
Four onion soup at Sunriver lodge
Pizza at Blondies in Sunriver and one in Bend on 3rd st by the slice.
Mac and Cheese sweet hot with ham at Deschuttes brewery OMG ( any mac and cheese from there)
Swiss steak soup and home made bread in Sisters at Three Creeks Brewery
In Madras we went to a bakery. We brought home baked goods to freeze.
Breakfast at Gordys in Lapine. We love that place
We had ice cream, Creme Brulee, Pop corn ,
We slept and watched movies. Drove up to Paulina Lake and East lake, stopped at the falls. Went to see my niece her husband and new baby girl Marlie in Madras. In between all of that I read a entire book. Wow what a great weekend.
The we came back to the real world where you watch what you eat and start seeing Doctors again.