tomorrow the first of many

Well I will start my radiation treatments tomorrow an 10:05am. No I wont glow, yes I can be around small children and babies. I am not worried about the treatments themselves. I just really really want it to work.
I still wake up and for a few minutes it is like every other day and then I remember the BIG C. I actually have to talk myself through all the reasons everything is ok today and then I can get out of bed. Some times I can go hours and forget. That is thanks to my friends and family.
Then there are the time's I am over come with sadness for what MIGHT or COULD happen. I watch Dan in our evening routine that we both know and love so much and then I imagine me not in the picture. That just overwhelms me with sadness. I look at Dan in his favorite chair after a day of work telling me about his day. Saying funny things and making up weird possible story's with a funny outcome. I don't want him to come home to where he is alone. That he has no one to come home to. I know that this is vain imaginations and I just need to not entertain them. I am just being honest that they happen.
I was with Rachael at the store today and I had a couple of sharp pains in my right breast. For awhile I had forgot about it. I was having fun with she and Rylan. Then just a quick jab, jab and that little Adrenalin burst comes and says you have cancer.( I did not mention it to her) I dont want to miss trips to a store with Rachael, survivor night at Kail and Dans home. Listening to a new song with Michael. Hearing all the stories of what my beautiful grand children can do OR DID. I want to be here for it all.  

  Psalm 91:4, He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

 I need to never lose track of the fact that the Lord has me covered with his wings. He knows all my hopes and dreams.