10-10-10

10-10-10

Michael and Melissa gave me a great gift at then end of a hard time. Waiting with total excitement in the waiting room for the new baby to arrive. Michael walked out with tears in his eyes and said it is a boy. This is what life is all about. I don't think I have been so proud of him and I have been proud of him almost all his life.

Melissa had the look of someone who was totally content. She was made to be a Mommy. Our little Aiden was so lucky to have the Mom and Dad he does. They will be his champions all his life. There is nothing that little man can not do.

Look how he has grown.

I hate Chemo what can I say

Adramician, you can have 4 doses of this in your life time, because it is so toxic. I was offered this in 1985 and declined. I had heard what it did to my grand mother when she took that one I wanted nothing to do with it.

I had my 4 doses in May and June of 2011 along with 4 doses of cytoxin. And along side of that I was doing a bind study on Avastin. When they unblinded it I had gotten 8 doses of Avastin also. Followed by 12 weeks once a week of Taxol.

My first chemo back in 1985 was cytoxin. 5fu, and methotrexate for 6 months. I lost my hair, was super vomiting for 3 days and then tired. Looking back this one was not sooo bad.

skip back to 2011.

I got a port this time that runs a tube into the top of your heart to give me my chemo. It sounded worse, but I think that it really did make the chemo treatments a little better to get. Well not just a little better. I think it helped a BUNCH.

My hair started falling out with in 4 short weeks . I had hated it just falling our for days the first round so I asked Dan to shave my head this time. We were over in Bend at our home near Sunriver. We had had a great weekend fishing and running around on the boat with my sister and her family. ( I even caught a piece of fence board. I thought I had caught the biggest fish of the day)

Dan went to my sisters vacation home just down the street and got her hair clippers and some semi sharp hair scissors. I know that this was very hard for him, but he helped me take control of how this hair loss was going to be done and I wanted to do it as much as I could on my terms. He started by taking the scissors and cutting as much hair off as he could then he used the clippers to shave it and then went the next step with a razor and really shaved it all off. We both cried off and on through the process, silent tears rolling down both our checks.

I love birds so I asked him to put my hair at the back of our lot for the birds to take and line their nests for the baby birds with it. We never saw that hair again.

I started having uncontrollable crying. Even when I did not feel like cryng it would just come silently down my checks. There was just no way to stop it. Friends and family got used to it. I dont know if it got easier for them to see, but they did get used to it. Dan would ask ... well how are you doing today do you feel like it is going to be a crying day. As I would asnser no I was feeling great the tears would just start rolling. The DR thought maybe some anti depressants would help. We looked at the side effects of that and I cryed and said no. I already have all those symptoms. I actually was not depressed.

I would have to be very careful of where all the bathrooms were because at a seconds notice I would need to be perched in one. Several times I would run in the back door, throw my purse , run by Dan and into the bathroom. Thinking oh boy I am glad I have leather seats. It would make it easier to clean up and oh yes the laundry room is right off the garage and I could just strip down and throw my cloths in the washer and I am not talking vomiting. Food went out as fast as I could eat it. ( lost 20 pounds ) I guess I can pucker real good because I always made it :)

On top of all of this there were just new symptoms popping up every week. I think the first thing other than the sleepless nights from all the steroids was a extreme tired that hit on about day 5 of each treatment and then never really left. It just got worse with each treatment. Am I cheering you up yet?

It started out as a strange pressure in my collar bones and then the got to the point where they felt like they were going to be crushed by some weird pressure from the inside. They said that this was very unusual that it was usually your ribs and long bones in your legs and hip bones. The next week it was my ribs and over the course of my treatment it started encompassing my ribs and hips, and neck.

I noticed one night when I went to the bathroom the overwhelming smell of chemicals. I felt like I was sweating them. Dan said he could not smell them. They were so overwhelming when I urinated that I had to run out of the bathroom as the smell would make me feel very sick to my stomach. Even water took on a bad taste. I would add alittle lemon to it.



When getting the adramician they have you hold ice in your mouth so that it does not burn your mouth as you are getting it. I was great at this I would crunch it swish it and keep it cool while they put 2 large caulking compound size tubes of what looked like red cool aid in through my port.

Eventually with all the other meds my mouth started to be very sensative to hot things. Not even real hot things, then it was cold things, then it was course things. Then it was just about anything in my mouth hurt. Tooth paste oh hell no!!! Dan and I decided we would wait for our celebratory dinner to when I could actually taste it.

I would get so dehydrated that my heart would race like I was running in a race . I think that the entire summer was like one giant hot flash. We had AC, but I still had a fan at the foot of the bed and one on each side of the bed.

Once at then end of the adrimician treatments I was down stairs and felt like I would not be able to get back up stairs. I was so week that it frightened me. I just asking Dan to take me to the hospital. They assured me that my white count was starting to go up. After each of those 4 treatments I would go in the next day and get shots in my stomach of white blood cells to help keep me from having to have a blood transfusion. That day I was close, but did not have to have one.

My toe nails started turning brown and by the time I was done I had 5 finger nails turning brown. They started to feel like they were going to come off. To this day I have one that is still not totally healed up.

My hands, feet and a large spot on my back went numb. many people have this after chemo and it never goes away. I am fortunate that it was gone about 3 months after my chemo stopped.

My hands , wrists and the lower part of my arms turned a real blotchy red, kind of like the blood veins were bursting. That took awhile, but it to went away.

I remember one of my last treatments. We could count on Sat night and most of Sunday to be a time of bone pain. I was up stairs laying on our bed. ( where I always was) and having a bit of a pity party. Dan came up and he encouraged me and then said he was going to just come up and hang out with me. I dont know how he knew that I was feeling so low that day, but he cuddled with me on our comfy bed the rest of the day and just watched show after show. He always seemed to know what I needed even before I needed it.

I can say enough about my husband Dan. He anticipated my needs long before I did .From my mastectomy through all the other stuff, he was by my side. He went to almost all my treatments with me. Rachael went to a few, My sister went to one with me and Rose went to one with me. Kial would come and see me at my treatments when she was on her lunch. My family has been so much of a support to me. There are not enough words to say how much they all mean to me other than to say they are the reason I live.

I dont think it is possible to feel more one with someone than I do with Dan. He is my true soul mate. Dan the man, my Big Sweet, my champion.

It was probably 2 months, but we had a yummy lobster dinner and I could taste it.

Rachael and I in 1986

BRCA-1

BRCA1 is a gene mutation that is passed down through a family . The BRCA stands for breast cancer. There is a BRCA1 and a BRCA2 gene mutation.

My family has the BRCA1. I found this out in May of 2010 that I carried this gene mutation. Wow a mutant did this mean I had some kind of super power. Well Kail said it meant Boobie power:)

My sister and Kail were the next to be checked. Kathi's came back clear and you could hear a cheer go up to heaven for that. Kail got hers back and there was no cheering. Hers was positive and with a positive BRCA1 mutation this means that you have a 87% chance of developing Breast or Ovarian cancer in your life time ( pretty pretty high)

Next it was Rachaels turn. They said it is a 50/ 50 chance she wouldhave it. Oh please Lord not Rachael to. Her call came back and she called he sister first. I think that they talked and cried togather and then they started making plans. Yes Rachael ahd it also.

I cried for both of my daughters. Felt guilty for passing this on to them. Then had to put up my big girl panties. They had both put theirs on and I was not going to pull them down.

They both watched as I had a second mastectomy and a lengthy reconstruction. I think the worst for them was to seeme go through the Chemo. Oh how I hate Chemo.( that is another story)

Kail and her husband Dan had decided that they had 4 kids and she wanted to stay healthy and have the best chance of being in their lives for a long long time. In Dec she had a full hysterectomy. Then just about 3 short weeks ago she had a double mastectomy. She is already in the process of reconstruction and doing so well. I am rejoicing that her risk of breast cancer or ovarian cancer is now ONLY 1% praise the LORD. Am I so sad that she had to make this decision... oh yes... am I glad she did. With all my heart I am rejoicing. I know that sheis going to be so happy with her new super mutant boobie power, that in the end she will know beyond a shadow of a doubt she had made the right decision.

Rachael and Nolan did not have any children....... Well they do now. As soon as Rachael found out about her BRCA1 gene mutation she and NOLAN!! got right on it and were blessed with a beautiful baby boy Rylan Gillespie one of the happiest baby's I know. They both want a bigger family. Rachael has decided to get her mastectomy first and then go for the hysterectomy after they have had more children. She should be having her surgery soon. She to will join the elite group of strong women with the super mutant power BOOBIES ( could you hear the echo after the bobbies)

I am so proud of both of my girls.

Here is a list of other realatives that we assume had the genetic mutation BRCA1 and did not have the advantage of knowing it.

My great great Grand mother on my Dad's side died of breast cancer in a little cabin in the woods in Eastern Oregon

My great Grand mother Grace died of Ovarian cancer

My Grand mother Georgia Martin Beers died of Ovarian cancer in 1985

Both of my great aunts Louise and Virginia had Ovarian and breast cancer

Great Uncle Bud Martin their brother had prostate cancer. BRCA1 shows this way for men it can also be breast cancer in men.

His daughter Patty Martin died at the age of 40 of ovarian cancer.

My Aunt Judy had breast cancer ( my Dad's sister) she is a survivor

Me Christine Beers Brennan had breast cancer in 1985, 2010, 2011.

2010 Now we are armed with the information of the BRCA1 gene and we will defeat the BIG C .




My Grama Beers in the middle with her sister Lousie on the left side and my Aunt Judy on the right side. (Picture to the right)

                                                                                             This is my Great uncle Bud and my Great aunt Virgina

Bad news ...... Good News

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My Doctor called with the results of my biopsy from this last surgery. She is so kind I am so thankful to have her for my Doctor. Dan and I were on our way over to Bend so I put her on speaker phone so that Dan could hear all that she had to say and we could both ask her questions. I think that there is alway more questions than answers in this situation.

She said that the report showed the cancer and that it showed that she was not able to get any clear margins of good tissue. This is what both Dan and I epected her to say. After the surgery she said that she had to remove a little muscle and follow a tentacle to remove it. That it went in between 2 ribs so she was not able to get the margins she had wanted as she did not want to scrap on the bone. Of course we wanted to hear ALL CLEAR, but we knew that was not going to be the case. As soon as I am all healed up I will start 6 1/2 weeks of daily radiation designed just for me. We thought the Chemo last year was the scorched earth policy I guess that there is really a scorched earth policy :)

Dan and I have talked alot about it. The radiation oncologist says I have a 60% chance of getting it all this time and never have another reaccurance. That sounds so much better than the other way around and only have a 40% chance.

It got us to talking about Noah and how everyone around him had probably thought that there was a 0% chance that it was going to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Noah trusted in the Lord and built that beautiful Ark. So if you are looking at precentages that on did not look so good. 0% ...... but with God all things are possible. So that makes my 60% look pretty great.

I am planning on not getting this again. Have I heard the Lord speak this to me directly? No I have not I just think of all he has done for me in the past and trusting for it to be true today also. He really loves us all that much. I am going to trust in his love for me. Jesus Christ the same yesterday, Today and Forever.

Back in 1988 I had a mamogram that they found suspicious lump in left breast . The one that I had had cancer in 3 years prior to that.. Oh ya that made my heart beat fast. I had to wait a whole weekend to go back in to get another mamogram and see a surgeon. In the mean time my mother inlaw Marge called from The Dallas Oregon and said she had been praying for me and that the Lord had given her a scripture and that she was to call me and tell me what it was. She also said Lord how will she know it is really from you. Marge told me that some one else would tell me the exact same scripture. Well about a hour later my life long bousim buddy Rose called me and said that she had been reading her bible and that the Lord pointed out a scripture to her and that she was to call me and tell me that it was from him to me.

Yes you guessed it , it was the exact same scripture.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

2My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

3He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

4indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5The Lord watches over you—

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

6the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7The Lord will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

8the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Dinners with love to Kail and family

Thank you everyone who made dinners for Kail and her family. I know that it was a real blessing to her family and because I am the Mom it was a big blessing to me to see everyone love on her family. She is an amazing strong young woman. I keep saying how easy she makes it all look, but she assures me it was not easy.

I know it is not is so many ways, but what I see from her is pure strength. She is a real encouragement to me in so many ways. Way to go Kail!!!

making a commitment to live the in between moments.

I was talking with a friend the other day telling her how I wanted to learn how to enjoy the in between times. I am always so focused on the next big event that I miss out on the ordinary day that is the next event. I just need to look at it differently.
I am always looking at the next holiday, birthday, vacation, dinner out, anniversary. Something other than looking at each day and finding the event in that day.
I am truly taking the time to be with who ever I am spending time with. Not thinking about the next thing I am off to do. It takes something so simple as just standing and talking in the grocery store to a whole new level. That is the moment
When you see something on the side of the road you find that is beautiful. Pull over, get out of the car and look at it more closely. I look back to just 2 days ago when Dan and I were driving down a street and the wind hit the trees and the leaves were blowing out of it like crazy ( like snow). I should have got out of the car and just let them fall on me. I am going to do that next time. That is the moment.

Last year on the way to my uncles funeral in Pendleton Oregon it was in the fall. Dan, Rachael and I went and along the road is this amazing tree farm. I mean amazing. We pulled over and looked down the thousands of thousands of rows of trees. we even took pictures of each other. that was the moment and I will never forget it.

my kids

I think about my kids alot , my husband and my grand kids. I have to keep the fear at bay. I love the scripture. " Perfect Love Casteth Out All Fear"  1St John 4-18.
I see this every day when I walk down my stairs. My daughter Rachael painted it for me on a GIANT canvas and it reminds me not to be afraid that the Lord loves me and his perfect love will not allow anything to happen to me that he has not ok"d. He is watching over me. I love this and it gives me great comfort.
I still worry about .. what if I don't make it this time. How will it effect them. We all have to die sometime. I want to be here as long as I can to be a part of their lives for many more years. I want to see my grandkids graduate from high school and get married someday. I pray that I get that chance.
I know sooo many people who wanted the same and they did not get it. I feel very blessed to have made as long as I have with having the first round of breast cancer when I was 25. My kids were so little that had I died then they would probably not even remember me. Yes Lord I am thankful for these years.

round 3 instead of round 2

Well just after I decided to blog about my second round with breast cancer I was told that I have it again.
That it has mastastized to my sternum. I thought I was literally going to puke when the Doctor called me and said it was cancer again. I felt like I just got done with it. Wait. I did just get done with it. I had finished my last chemo treatment in Sept 2011. They say it can take up to a year to really feel better from it. I think it was about the middle of August that I realized I could do a days work out in the yard and not feel horrible for it physically. Now 2 days work still to much.

I noticed back in June a sore spot on my sternum.  I had just returned form girls weekend in Bend and while I was there I got my boaters license. My sister and I took our 20 foot pontoon boat out on the Deschuttes river. Oh what a amazing time we had I will never forget it. We got it back to the dock and on to the trailer. I had to wench it up on to it the last little bit. My sister wanted to do it for me, but I knew I could do it. When I felt the pain a couple of days later I was pretty sure where it came from.

I talked to my oncologists nurse in early July and said that I had a spot that was hurting and she told
 me to call my plastic surgeon. His Nurse told me to take some anti inflammatory. I did that for about a week and it still hurt. I called the oncologists office again and they had me come in and see the nurse. ( should have seen the Dr) She said that she could not feel anything and had me get a xray of my chest. The results came back that no cancer was in my ribs there. Great news. for about a week and then the old familiar feeling that something was wrong came back. This time I saw my plastic surgeon. He felt the lump and said that it was probably a inflammation to take some anti inflammatory meds for 10 days. I did that and it was bigger. SOOOO I stared back with my primary care physician. He thought it was arthritis. REALLY???? I just had chemo less than 12 months ago you don't want to look into it any more. He felt if I would feel better about it we could do a CT scan. So the next week I had a ct scan. That said indeed there is something there. So the following week I had a ultra sound that said OH yes its there and it is not a liquid filled cyst. SO I had a MRI and that said to have a Biopsy. That is when I got the call. Yes it is cancer.
So I have had another MRI of my brain a bone scan another CT scan of my body and then another one of just my neck. So far they believe it is contained in my sternum area.
I had surgery on Wed and they took out my mass along with a tentacle that was going between my ribs. Now I am waiting to see what kind of margins they got and in about 3 weeks I will start 6 1/2 weeks of radiation 5 days a week. I have never had this before, but compared to the chemo I have had. It should be pretty easy.
I will add more as news comes in . Could be pretty boreing.