Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I hate Chemo what can I say

Adramician, you can have 4 doses of this in your life time, because it is so toxic. I was offered this in 1985 and declined. I had heard what it did to my grand mother when she took that one I wanted nothing to do with it.

I had my 4 doses in May and June of 2011 along with 4 doses of cytoxin. And along side of that I was doing a bind study on Avastin. When they unblinded it I had gotten 8 doses of Avastin also. Followed by 12 weeks once a week of Taxol.

My first chemo back in 1985 was cytoxin. 5fu, and methotrexate for 6 months. I lost my hair, was super vomiting for 3 days and then tired. Looking back this one was not sooo bad.

skip back to 2011.

I got a port this time that runs a tube into the top of your heart to give me my chemo. It sounded worse, but I think that it really did make the chemo treatments a little better to get. Well not just a little better. I think it helped a BUNCH.

My hair started falling out with in 4 short weeks . I had hated it just falling our for days the first round so I asked Dan to shave my head this time. We were over in Bend at our home near Sunriver. We had had a great weekend fishing and running around on the boat with my sister and her family. ( I even caught a piece of fence board. I thought I had caught the biggest fish of the day)

Dan went to my sisters vacation home just down the street and got her hair clippers and some semi sharp hair scissors. I know that this was very hard for him, but he helped me take control of how this hair loss was going to be done and I wanted to do it as much as I could on my terms. He started by taking the scissors and cutting as much hair off as he could then he used the clippers to shave it and then went the next step with a razor and really shaved it all off. We both cried off and on through the process, silent tears rolling down both our checks.

I love birds so I asked him to put my hair at the back of our lot for the birds to take and line their nests for the baby birds with it. We never saw that hair again.

I started having uncontrollable crying. Even when I did not feel like cryng it would just come silently down my checks. There was just no way to stop it. Friends and family got used to it. I dont know if it got easier for them to see, but they did get used to it. Dan would ask ... well how are you doing today do you feel like it is going to be a crying day. As I would asnser no I was feeling great the tears would just start rolling. The DR thought maybe some anti depressants would help. We looked at the side effects of that and I cryed and said no. I already have all those symptoms. I actually was not depressed.

I would have to be very careful of where all the bathrooms were because at a seconds notice I would need to be perched in one. Several times I would run in the back door, throw my purse , run by Dan and into the bathroom. Thinking oh boy I am glad I have leather seats. It would make it easier to clean up and oh yes the laundry room is right off the garage and I could just strip down and throw my cloths in the washer and I am not talking vomiting. Food went out as fast as I could eat it. ( lost 20 pounds ) I guess I can pucker real good because I always made it :)

On top of all of this there were just new symptoms popping up every week. I think the first thing other than the sleepless nights from all the steroids was a extreme tired that hit on about day 5 of each treatment and then never really left. It just got worse with each treatment. Am I cheering you up yet?

It started out as a strange pressure in my collar bones and then the got to the point where they felt like they were going to be crushed by some weird pressure from the inside. They said that this was very unusual that it was usually your ribs and long bones in your legs and hip bones. The next week it was my ribs and over the course of my treatment it started encompassing my ribs and hips, and neck.

I noticed one night when I went to the bathroom the overwhelming smell of chemicals. I felt like I was sweating them. Dan said he could not smell them. They were so overwhelming when I urinated that I had to run out of the bathroom as the smell would make me feel very sick to my stomach. Even water took on a bad taste. I would add alittle lemon to it.



When getting the adramician they have you hold ice in your mouth so that it does not burn your mouth as you are getting it. I was great at this I would crunch it swish it and keep it cool while they put 2 large caulking compound size tubes of what looked like red cool aid in through my port.

Eventually with all the other meds my mouth started to be very sensative to hot things. Not even real hot things, then it was cold things, then it was course things. Then it was just about anything in my mouth hurt. Tooth paste oh hell no!!! Dan and I decided we would wait for our celebratory dinner to when I could actually taste it.

I would get so dehydrated that my heart would race like I was running in a race . I think that the entire summer was like one giant hot flash. We had AC, but I still had a fan at the foot of the bed and one on each side of the bed.

Once at then end of the adrimician treatments I was down stairs and felt like I would not be able to get back up stairs. I was so week that it frightened me. I just asking Dan to take me to the hospital. They assured me that my white count was starting to go up. After each of those 4 treatments I would go in the next day and get shots in my stomach of white blood cells to help keep me from having to have a blood transfusion. That day I was close, but did not have to have one.

My toe nails started turning brown and by the time I was done I had 5 finger nails turning brown. They started to feel like they were going to come off. To this day I have one that is still not totally healed up.

My hands, feet and a large spot on my back went numb. many people have this after chemo and it never goes away. I am fortunate that it was gone about 3 months after my chemo stopped.

My hands , wrists and the lower part of my arms turned a real blotchy red, kind of like the blood veins were bursting. That took awhile, but it to went away.

I remember one of my last treatments. We could count on Sat night and most of Sunday to be a time of bone pain. I was up stairs laying on our bed. ( where I always was) and having a bit of a pity party. Dan came up and he encouraged me and then said he was going to just come up and hang out with me. I dont know how he knew that I was feeling so low that day, but he cuddled with me on our comfy bed the rest of the day and just watched show after show. He always seemed to know what I needed even before I needed it.

I can say enough about my husband Dan. He anticipated my needs long before I did .From my mastectomy through all the other stuff, he was by my side. He went to almost all my treatments with me. Rachael went to a few, My sister went to one with me and Rose went to one with me. Kial would come and see me at my treatments when she was on her lunch. My family has been so much of a support to me. There are not enough words to say how much they all mean to me other than to say they are the reason I live.

I dont think it is possible to feel more one with someone than I do with Dan. He is my true soul mate. Dan the man, my Big Sweet, my champion.

It was probably 2 months, but we had a yummy lobster dinner and I could taste it.





Rachael and I in 1986

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