Some days just stink

Wednesday Dan went with me to my treatment, because on Wednesdays the doctor meets with us and tells us how the treatment is going and what the future plan for my treatment is.
This week they said that they are getting ready to narrow the scope of my treatment starting next Tuesday. It will be just the area of the last tumor. This is good as the skin under my arm is starting to be red and blistered so it will get to start healing while go after harder the other area. They have been doing that area also all along. Now it is just going to be even more focused and stronger in that area. I knew when I was done I would be going back to the oncologist that could possible suggest that I try a new chemo. I have been and continue to be not mentally prepared at all to do this. The Doctor called my other oncologist and talked to her and cam back to say that at this time she is thinking that she would not suggest chemo. I was sitting there with my head to just about explode trying not to just burst into tears and fall apart like a big baby. It was like I had eaten something sour and the pain you get behind your ears was growing in pressure more and more. It actually hurt. I know that she could still suggest something, but to know that she is leaning on not really brings me hope that I will not have to do that  again. This week has been a emotional one. I had one friend pass away from liver cancer on Christmas, one having a mastectomy today, Rachael still has her drains in, Kail is almost done with part 2 of her reconstruction. I think that my plate just dripped off the sides today and all I wanted to do this evening was cry. You guessed it I am tired, to bed with me.

Dan and I are going to go and celebrate at the beach when this is done . I am really looking forward to being done. Should be done around January 18th. That is what they are saying right now.

Thursday:
I was out showing a home today  and it had a real stink to it. I actually told my clients that I would have to go out of the house as the smell was making me feel real sick. That does not happen often. Smells are making me kind of sensitive right now.
The first home had pet hair balls that were so big laying around the house that if they had legs I would have thought they had a gerbil infestation. That one smelled also, but not like the last one.

Epidemic or what?

Wow!!!, I don't know if I go through a  whole week without hearing that some one that I know has cancer. This past two weeks it is lung cancer and breast cancer.
What is going on?
I did get good news this past week from my radiation oncologist. The first one I saw said that I had a 60% chance that the breast cancer would not come back. My new doctor said it is more like 75% or better that it would not come back . YAHOOOOOO Merry Christmas Cris:)

They gave me some sheets if jelled water. That is what it looks like. you open the package peel of a blue sheet and then it looks like a thin sheet of water that has been jelled. It pulls the heat out of your skin. I love this stuff. I lay it on my chest and it pulls the heat out. Very cold going on and then they get warm to the touch from taking the heat from you and transferring it to the gel pack. I am so thankful for all the stuff that they give me at the Salem cancer institute to help keep my skin as good as I can. They are amazing there. The team that gives me my treatment are some of the nicest people I have ever meet. I love the smiles on their facesIt is not just on their lips, but their eye's also. The Lord has been good to me as far as who is taking care of me. I have complete trust in them.

16 more treatments left

I am starting to see changes in my skin from the 19 treatments that I have already had. I am really looking forward to not going to treatment each day. The whole place has the smell of the special lotion. I think that triggers a bit of nausea in my mind. I am taking compazine a half hour before my treatments. The nausea is not real bad at all. It could all be in my head.  I have to say that the people working there just make it so much easier. They are just so sweet and amazing. Must be part of their job requirements, because they ALL are. I want to make them some special treats for Christmas and take it to them this Thursday.

KATU Interview with the girls and I

We are hoping that someone who would have never thought to be tested would see this and go . HMMM maybe I should talk to my Doctor about this.
Look at your history and if you have 2 relatives, Mom and Aunt, Sister and Grama. or 2 people close in your family that have had breast cancer early in life prior to Menopause. You just might want to be tested. Know your risks and know what you want to do. What the girls and I choose may not be your choice, but this way you would know and be able to make choices regarding it.
Bless you all

http://www.katu.com/news/local/Sisters-make-tough-choices-to-head-off-possible-breast-cancer-135693373.html

how it is going

I don't really have alot to say about the treatment.. It is every day. I do get a little sick from it off and on. I am getting very tired.
I find that when I get tired, I GET TIRED. It is just bang and then I need to go to bed. It is the kind of tired that makes me cry. This might sound funny, but the last year and a half when I get really tired I usually cry for no reason. That is when I know that it is bed time.
Last night Dan was installing a new t.v and he looked over at me and said " are you asleep" I was just staring at a paper wrapper on the coffee table. I knew I was going to start crying so I also knew it was bed time. It was just a little after 8, but I was done. Getting out of the bed is harder in the morning also.
The Radiation tech asked me how I was handling the getting tired last Thursday.He said that I was getting more treatments than the normal breast cancer treatment because of the sternum. The average breast cancer patient gets 2-10 different positions of radiation . I am getting 16-22. At least he did not say I was a tough little cookie. I saw a woman who looked like she had, had a pot of boiling oil thrown on her chest. Lobster red and blisters. She said she had accidentally tore off her first layer of skin while taking of her night gown in the morning. She said she was to sleepy and she forgot to go slow. That scared the pee wad out of me.  I guess I had more to say than I thought
STILL I like this better than chemo.

my blog

If you read on the right side of this blog you will see months and dates. They have little stories about my past experiances with cancer and how much my family means to me.

A big shout out to Rachael for helping me to design this blog page

Song he loved

Michael says in the back ground. " I wish I loved any song as much as you love that song" I think that Jacob was about a year and a half old.  I just love this. When his Mom calls that is her ring tone

From our house to yours.......First big frost

I went to a wreth making party Thursday night and this swag is my wreath project. It was a super fun time . It sounded like a bee hive with all the womens laughter and talking.

Love my old door. It had to have a decoration on it also. Red and green feathers

The leaves are falling like crazy this morning. The temp says 29 degrees. When I got up everything was covered in a beautiful white frost. Then I noticed as the sun came up and it hit the trees, it looked like it was snowing. It was snowing leaves. The trees are dropping the last of the leaves and it looks like they might just do all of it today. So beautiful to watch nature do its thing.I hope you all enjoy the leaves falling as much as I did. I went outside and you could hear the big ones hitting the ground. I am sure that is what it sounds like in the forest even when no one is there

Final requests are YOUR final requests. Make them yourself, make them known

Dan and I have talked over the years of what we wanted when we passed from this earth. We had a good family friend pass away on Thanksgiving day and it got me to thinking when I saw people I loved trying to make some quick decisions for our friends final requests. Final requests should not be left for someone else to make for you. They are YOUR final requests . Make them known and pay for them if you can so that the people you love are not making quick expensive decisions. Decisions made during a emotional time of grieving. SOOOOO that said. I decided to get some pre funeral planning done for Dan and I. I went to City view cemetery on Tuesday. They have a mortuary also and I went to Virgil T Golden's. I got a bunch of info and came home and talked to Dan about what I had learned. We have decided to be cremated and put in a outdoor crypt together when the time comes. It was not weird. I kind of felt like a party planner looking at venues and deciding how much money you want to spend. I did tell both places I did not want to by a wedding dress to be buried in. ( meaning to say I was not going to spend a fortune for something no one will ever see. That was when I was looking at coffins. I found some that were about 550. cool old style wood ones. Dan had always wanted to be buried. Once we looked at it all the information, he liked the cremation venue better in the outdoor building in a crypt with a plaque stating that we were there. ( sounds a bit like Colonel mustard in the library with the candlestick) It is actually a good feeling to know that we have that all figured out and can just put it behind us and know that those decisions are all done. That neither of us or our kids will have to do that now. It is taken care of. Kind of freeing.

treatments so far

I see the Doctor every Wed and this one he might have something to say. I really don't know how this whole thing with radiation goes. I have the routine down now. I go in and get my kimono on and they come and get me from a real nice waiting room where they have a fridge stocked with juices for us ( being all the ladies waiting for their treatment) and a coffee maker and crackers. My actual radiation treatment takes about 10 minutes and 10 minutes to get me set up. I get on a table and crawl up into a form that is made for my upper back head and shoulders area and then lift my hands up above my head and grab this bar that is like the handle bars on a bike. Once I do that, they move me around a bit according to Lazar beams, then they do a CT scan and then they will say OK we are going to start the treatment now over a speaker, (they have left the room by then). They turn on what ever kind of music I want.I hold as still as I can and I think I am real still. They keep saying what a great job I am doing. ( what just laying there) yes I am good at just laying around. I think I could go pro with it. If it were a Olympic event I am sure at this time in my life I could be a gold medal winner.

My treatment on Friday made me a little sick, so did my treatment on Monday. They gave me a prescription for compazine for those times. He said on Monday that it was touching my liver a little bit that could cause me to be a bit sick. also they are going up my neck to right under my ear. He said that could make me lose my appetite. I had a bit of a rash today and it was slightly red and itchy. The nodes under my armpit have been sore again the last 3 days, but I cant feel anything so I think that it is just the treatments. Feeling a little off this morning and stomach is talking alot.

Today the Doctor showed Dan and I all the films of my treatment and exactly where it had been going. You can see that it is already shrinking tissue on my sternum. There is no real tumor they are going for so you cant see a shrinking tumor. They are going after the area that they could not get clear margins when they removed the tumor.
I can say that the sternum area is very sensitive and remains sore to painful . Still cant sleep on my stomach or my left side for some reason it hurts worse on that side.

Heard a great sermon about everyday being a gift. I do believe that. Great sermon. 







Life is good and we just keep moving forward.

One treatment down about 35 to go

I did it. I had my first radiation treatment. I would have to say it is like having a long x ray where you are suppose to hold still the whole time. It took them about 10-15 minutes to get it all set up and make sure that all their markers were where they wanted them to be. Then the second guy double checks the first guy. My Doctor was waiting out side by the computer screens watching everything going on in the room via TV and also see in it on the computer screens. once a week I will have 2 rays and I will have a CT scan each day with the radiation treatments.  They said it would take a little longer because they were going to come at it in 10 different ways.
I have a bit of a head ache now, I am sure it is stress. I cried when we came out . Just so relieved to have the first one over and now know what to expect. It is all so new and the unknown is a little scary.
I am sure that I will never hear the Sting song. And they danced the same way again. I think I will always remember laying there on that table with the little green Lazar light across the ceiling and the machine going around me. They ask you what you want to listen to and they just put it on. Today was Sting
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCqVYPSQEhI
it was very surreal

Christmas and possibilities

I love Christmas and was so excited to get our tree up. We are having thanksgiving and Kails home so It wont matter that my tree is up before Thanksgiving. No one coming for a Thanksgiving celebration will be disappointed to see it. I love waking up and turning the lights on. Each time I go Yippee in my heart.

This weekend I will get the rest of the house all fixed up. Right after a trip to the snow. I will post photos of that when we get back. 

Have you guessed yet that I LOVE!!!!!! SNOW also

Quick story.

 When Michael was about 3 years old I was sitting on the couch looking out the window. The news said that there was a possibility of snow. Michael asked me what I was doing and I told him that there was a possibility of snow. We were both excited about it then. Later that day He was on the couch looking out the window and I asked him what he was doing he told me  "looking" I asked him what he was looking at, and he said very grown up like " possibilities"   I just love what kids say

He is 28 now with a small son of his own. I hope that Aiden loves snow as much as his father

today is the day

I am so glad to be starting radiation today. It might seem crazy, but doing nothing is like you know a army is marching against you and you are just sitting back and sipping lemonade saying I will do something about it tomorrow. It feels like you have not even sounded the call to war. NOW my army will get marching and hopefully we will be the victor's.

They did not start it today after all... BUMMED

for all the ladies in my life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5lO4hEAJHU&ob=av3n

Ladies, you all need to listen to this song and think of it as if the Lord has asked someone to sing it to you for him.(except the kissing part)
Think of this as if he asked someone to walk up to you on the street and said this is a song from Jesus Christ to you. Please listen to how he feels about you.

He created you and loves you just the way you are.
Be yourself  everyone else is already taken. ( love that quote )

tomorrow the first of many

Well I will start my radiation treatments tomorrow an 10:05am. No I wont glow, yes I can be around small children and babies. I am not worried about the treatments themselves. I just really really want it to work.
I still wake up and for a few minutes it is like every other day and then I remember the BIG C. I actually have to talk myself through all the reasons everything is ok today and then I can get out of bed. Some times I can go hours and forget. That is thanks to my friends and family.
Then there are the time's I am over come with sadness for what MIGHT or COULD happen. I watch Dan in our evening routine that we both know and love so much and then I imagine me not in the picture. That just overwhelms me with sadness. I look at Dan in his favorite chair after a day of work telling me about his day. Saying funny things and making up weird possible story's with a funny outcome. I don't want him to come home to where he is alone. That he has no one to come home to. I know that this is vain imaginations and I just need to not entertain them. I am just being honest that they happen.
I was with Rachael at the store today and I had a couple of sharp pains in my right breast. For awhile I had forgot about it. I was having fun with she and Rylan. Then just a quick jab, jab and that little Adrenalin burst comes and says you have cancer.( I did not mention it to her) I dont want to miss trips to a store with Rachael, survivor night at Kail and Dans home. Listening to a new song with Michael. Hearing all the stories of what my beautiful grand children can do OR DID. I want to be here for it all.  

  Psalm 91:4, He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

 I need to never lose track of the fact that the Lord has me covered with his wings. He knows all my hopes and dreams.

sweet smiling faces in unusual places

This old suit case smiled at me all last year while I layed in bed. When ever I would start to feel a little down I would look about my TV and see this super happy face and it could almost always make me grin. This suit case is now a very dear friend. His name is Luttman.

I have given away a few pieces of my old luggage, but Luttman is going to have a place in my room forever. He is a reminder to me to try to find joy in everything. I have even thought about writting a kids book about Luttman.

go to your happy place

I learned something about myself today. When I am up against something I don't want to do or is hard for me to do I go into my happy place.
I had to have a ultra sound of some lymph nodes and they decided to do a biopsy on one of them . Last time I had a biopsy they took me off the heart monitor because the alarm kept going off saying I was not breathing. Today when I was done I had been to my happy place again. They took my blood pressure afterwards and it was 105 over 56. The asked me if it was always that low. I said no. I cried before it, but not during it. When it was over I started crying again. Then when I got home Kail was here waiting and I just broke down and cried some more. I told her I was fine that it was a kind of uncontrolled crying from having to make my mind and body be in so much control and in my happy place. I kind of make my mind go blank. I should have the results by Thursday. The Doctor that did the biopsy procedure said that it did not look very significant. I hope she is right. I told her when I have been drawing straws lately I have not been drawing the good ones.
Dan always trying to cheer me up asked... WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?  He is my giant cheer leader.
always telling me how tough I am and what a great job I am doing with it all.

You are my king.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rPvrXoIVl0

 

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer the end of last February I woke up in the middle of the night.

I do this sometimes. usually when I wake up in the middle of the night I hear over and over a song that I had heard the day before. That night I heard the chorus to amazing love. This is a song that I had not heard for about 10 years. I got up I the morning and I got on youtube and looked the song up. I just really needed to hear the rest of the song. I felt like it was a song from the Lord to me. I sat at the kitchen counter on my lap top and listened to the song and had tears rolling down my cheeks. I turned to Dan to say how much it meant to me to hear the song and noticed the he to had tears rolling down his cheeks.

I will never forget that night. I also remember laying in the bed in the middle of the night awake and Dan reached over and we just layed there and held hands until we fell back to sleep. He is my Rock.

Triple negative cancer

Dan and I saw my Surgeon on Monday morning. We talked to her about some of our concerns about not starting radiation until early Dec. She said that we should go straight to the radiation oncology department down stairs and she would call them as soon as I left her office. She let them know that Dec was to long of a wait that I was ready now. We talked over the pathology reports that confirmed that indeed this was the same breast cancer I had last year. It is a very resilient kind called a triple negative.
Thank you Dr Dayton. She has truly been a advocate for me (and my girls)

I am going to have back to back appointments on Monday the 7th. The first one at 8 am is to get my mock up and 3 little tattoos kind of like survey markers for the machine to know just where to aim all the rads at.
Second will be a CT Scan  ( my 4th in 3 weeks )
.
This is the breast cancer that I have triple negative. If you want to know more about it, here is a good link to it

 http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/diagnosis/trip_neg/behavior.jsp

The soup de Tour

Dan and I had a great week in Bend. We ate our way from Madras to Lapine and every where in between.
We started with chili and bean and ham soup in Sisters at the Gallery on Monday night
Four onion soup at Sunriver lodge
Pizza at Blondies in Sunriver and one in Bend on 3rd st by the slice.
Mac and Cheese sweet hot with ham at Deschuttes brewery OMG ( any mac and cheese from there)
Swiss steak soup and home made bread in Sisters at Three Creeks Brewery
In Madras we went to a bakery. We brought home baked goods to freeze.
Breakfast at Gordys in Lapine. We love that place
We had ice cream, Creme Brulee, Pop corn ,
We slept and watched movies. Drove up to Paulina Lake and East lake, stopped at the falls. Went to see my niece her husband and new baby girl Marlie in Madras. In between all of that I read a entire book. Wow what a great weekend.
The we came back to the real world where you watch what you eat and start seeing Doctors again.

10-10-10

10-10-10

Michael and Melissa gave me a great gift at then end of a hard time. Waiting with total excitement in the waiting room for the new baby to arrive. Michael walked out with tears in his eyes and said it is a boy. This is what life is all about. I don't think I have been so proud of him and I have been proud of him almost all his life.

Melissa had the look of someone who was totally content. She was made to be a Mommy. Our little Aiden was so lucky to have the Mom and Dad he does. They will be his champions all his life. There is nothing that little man can not do.

Look how he has grown.

I hate Chemo what can I say

Adramician, you can have 4 doses of this in your life time, because it is so toxic. I was offered this in 1985 and declined. I had heard what it did to my grand mother when she took that one I wanted nothing to do with it.

I had my 4 doses in May and June of 2011 along with 4 doses of cytoxin. And along side of that I was doing a bind study on Avastin. When they unblinded it I had gotten 8 doses of Avastin also. Followed by 12 weeks once a week of Taxol.

My first chemo back in 1985 was cytoxin. 5fu, and methotrexate for 6 months. I lost my hair, was super vomiting for 3 days and then tired. Looking back this one was not sooo bad.

skip back to 2011.

I got a port this time that runs a tube into the top of your heart to give me my chemo. It sounded worse, but I think that it really did make the chemo treatments a little better to get. Well not just a little better. I think it helped a BUNCH.

My hair started falling out with in 4 short weeks . I had hated it just falling our for days the first round so I asked Dan to shave my head this time. We were over in Bend at our home near Sunriver. We had had a great weekend fishing and running around on the boat with my sister and her family. ( I even caught a piece of fence board. I thought I had caught the biggest fish of the day)

Dan went to my sisters vacation home just down the street and got her hair clippers and some semi sharp hair scissors. I know that this was very hard for him, but he helped me take control of how this hair loss was going to be done and I wanted to do it as much as I could on my terms. He started by taking the scissors and cutting as much hair off as he could then he used the clippers to shave it and then went the next step with a razor and really shaved it all off. We both cried off and on through the process, silent tears rolling down both our checks.

I love birds so I asked him to put my hair at the back of our lot for the birds to take and line their nests for the baby birds with it. We never saw that hair again.

I started having uncontrollable crying. Even when I did not feel like cryng it would just come silently down my checks. There was just no way to stop it. Friends and family got used to it. I dont know if it got easier for them to see, but they did get used to it. Dan would ask ... well how are you doing today do you feel like it is going to be a crying day. As I would asnser no I was feeling great the tears would just start rolling. The DR thought maybe some anti depressants would help. We looked at the side effects of that and I cryed and said no. I already have all those symptoms. I actually was not depressed.

I would have to be very careful of where all the bathrooms were because at a seconds notice I would need to be perched in one. Several times I would run in the back door, throw my purse , run by Dan and into the bathroom. Thinking oh boy I am glad I have leather seats. It would make it easier to clean up and oh yes the laundry room is right off the garage and I could just strip down and throw my cloths in the washer and I am not talking vomiting. Food went out as fast as I could eat it. ( lost 20 pounds ) I guess I can pucker real good because I always made it :)

On top of all of this there were just new symptoms popping up every week. I think the first thing other than the sleepless nights from all the steroids was a extreme tired that hit on about day 5 of each treatment and then never really left. It just got worse with each treatment. Am I cheering you up yet?

It started out as a strange pressure in my collar bones and then the got to the point where they felt like they were going to be crushed by some weird pressure from the inside. They said that this was very unusual that it was usually your ribs and long bones in your legs and hip bones. The next week it was my ribs and over the course of my treatment it started encompassing my ribs and hips, and neck.

I noticed one night when I went to the bathroom the overwhelming smell of chemicals. I felt like I was sweating them. Dan said he could not smell them. They were so overwhelming when I urinated that I had to run out of the bathroom as the smell would make me feel very sick to my stomach. Even water took on a bad taste. I would add alittle lemon to it.



When getting the adramician they have you hold ice in your mouth so that it does not burn your mouth as you are getting it. I was great at this I would crunch it swish it and keep it cool while they put 2 large caulking compound size tubes of what looked like red cool aid in through my port.

Eventually with all the other meds my mouth started to be very sensative to hot things. Not even real hot things, then it was cold things, then it was course things. Then it was just about anything in my mouth hurt. Tooth paste oh hell no!!! Dan and I decided we would wait for our celebratory dinner to when I could actually taste it.

I would get so dehydrated that my heart would race like I was running in a race . I think that the entire summer was like one giant hot flash. We had AC, but I still had a fan at the foot of the bed and one on each side of the bed.

Once at then end of the adrimician treatments I was down stairs and felt like I would not be able to get back up stairs. I was so week that it frightened me. I just asking Dan to take me to the hospital. They assured me that my white count was starting to go up. After each of those 4 treatments I would go in the next day and get shots in my stomach of white blood cells to help keep me from having to have a blood transfusion. That day I was close, but did not have to have one.

My toe nails started turning brown and by the time I was done I had 5 finger nails turning brown. They started to feel like they were going to come off. To this day I have one that is still not totally healed up.

My hands, feet and a large spot on my back went numb. many people have this after chemo and it never goes away. I am fortunate that it was gone about 3 months after my chemo stopped.

My hands , wrists and the lower part of my arms turned a real blotchy red, kind of like the blood veins were bursting. That took awhile, but it to went away.

I remember one of my last treatments. We could count on Sat night and most of Sunday to be a time of bone pain. I was up stairs laying on our bed. ( where I always was) and having a bit of a pity party. Dan came up and he encouraged me and then said he was going to just come up and hang out with me. I dont know how he knew that I was feeling so low that day, but he cuddled with me on our comfy bed the rest of the day and just watched show after show. He always seemed to know what I needed even before I needed it.

I can say enough about my husband Dan. He anticipated my needs long before I did .From my mastectomy through all the other stuff, he was by my side. He went to almost all my treatments with me. Rachael went to a few, My sister went to one with me and Rose went to one with me. Kial would come and see me at my treatments when she was on her lunch. My family has been so much of a support to me. There are not enough words to say how much they all mean to me other than to say they are the reason I live.

I dont think it is possible to feel more one with someone than I do with Dan. He is my true soul mate. Dan the man, my Big Sweet, my champion.

It was probably 2 months, but we had a yummy lobster dinner and I could taste it.

Rachael and I in 1986

BRCA-1

BRCA1 is a gene mutation that is passed down through a family . The BRCA stands for breast cancer. There is a BRCA1 and a BRCA2 gene mutation.

My family has the BRCA1. I found this out in May of 2010 that I carried this gene mutation. Wow a mutant did this mean I had some kind of super power. Well Kail said it meant Boobie power:)

My sister and Kail were the next to be checked. Kathi's came back clear and you could hear a cheer go up to heaven for that. Kail got hers back and there was no cheering. Hers was positive and with a positive BRCA1 mutation this means that you have a 87% chance of developing Breast or Ovarian cancer in your life time ( pretty pretty high)

Next it was Rachaels turn. They said it is a 50/ 50 chance she wouldhave it. Oh please Lord not Rachael to. Her call came back and she called he sister first. I think that they talked and cried togather and then they started making plans. Yes Rachael ahd it also.

I cried for both of my daughters. Felt guilty for passing this on to them. Then had to put up my big girl panties. They had both put theirs on and I was not going to pull them down.

They both watched as I had a second mastectomy and a lengthy reconstruction. I think the worst for them was to seeme go through the Chemo. Oh how I hate Chemo.( that is another story)

Kail and her husband Dan had decided that they had 4 kids and she wanted to stay healthy and have the best chance of being in their lives for a long long time. In Dec she had a full hysterectomy. Then just about 3 short weeks ago she had a double mastectomy. She is already in the process of reconstruction and doing so well. I am rejoicing that her risk of breast cancer or ovarian cancer is now ONLY 1% praise the LORD. Am I so sad that she had to make this decision... oh yes... am I glad she did. With all my heart I am rejoicing. I know that sheis going to be so happy with her new super mutant boobie power, that in the end she will know beyond a shadow of a doubt she had made the right decision.

Rachael and Nolan did not have any children....... Well they do now. As soon as Rachael found out about her BRCA1 gene mutation she and NOLAN!! got right on it and were blessed with a beautiful baby boy Rylan Gillespie one of the happiest baby's I know. They both want a bigger family. Rachael has decided to get her mastectomy first and then go for the hysterectomy after they have had more children. She should be having her surgery soon. She to will join the elite group of strong women with the super mutant power BOOBIES ( could you hear the echo after the bobbies)

I am so proud of both of my girls.

Here is a list of other realatives that we assume had the genetic mutation BRCA1 and did not have the advantage of knowing it.

My great great Grand mother on my Dad's side died of breast cancer in a little cabin in the woods in Eastern Oregon

My great Grand mother Grace died of Ovarian cancer

My Grand mother Georgia Martin Beers died of Ovarian cancer in 1985

Both of my great aunts Louise and Virginia had Ovarian and breast cancer

Great Uncle Bud Martin their brother had prostate cancer. BRCA1 shows this way for men it can also be breast cancer in men.

His daughter Patty Martin died at the age of 40 of ovarian cancer.

My Aunt Judy had breast cancer ( my Dad's sister) she is a survivor

Me Christine Beers Brennan had breast cancer in 1985, 2010, 2011.

2010 Now we are armed with the information of the BRCA1 gene and we will defeat the BIG C .




My Grama Beers in the middle with her sister Lousie on the left side and my Aunt Judy on the right side. (Picture to the right)

                                                                                             This is my Great uncle Bud and my Great aunt Virgina

Bad news ...... Good News

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My Doctor called with the results of my biopsy from this last surgery. She is so kind I am so thankful to have her for my Doctor. Dan and I were on our way over to Bend so I put her on speaker phone so that Dan could hear all that she had to say and we could both ask her questions. I think that there is alway more questions than answers in this situation.

She said that the report showed the cancer and that it showed that she was not able to get any clear margins of good tissue. This is what both Dan and I epected her to say. After the surgery she said that she had to remove a little muscle and follow a tentacle to remove it. That it went in between 2 ribs so she was not able to get the margins she had wanted as she did not want to scrap on the bone. Of course we wanted to hear ALL CLEAR, but we knew that was not going to be the case. As soon as I am all healed up I will start 6 1/2 weeks of daily radiation designed just for me. We thought the Chemo last year was the scorched earth policy I guess that there is really a scorched earth policy :)

Dan and I have talked alot about it. The radiation oncologist says I have a 60% chance of getting it all this time and never have another reaccurance. That sounds so much better than the other way around and only have a 40% chance.

It got us to talking about Noah and how everyone around him had probably thought that there was a 0% chance that it was going to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Noah trusted in the Lord and built that beautiful Ark. So if you are looking at precentages that on did not look so good. 0% ...... but with God all things are possible. So that makes my 60% look pretty great.

I am planning on not getting this again. Have I heard the Lord speak this to me directly? No I have not I just think of all he has done for me in the past and trusting for it to be true today also. He really loves us all that much. I am going to trust in his love for me. Jesus Christ the same yesterday, Today and Forever.

Back in 1988 I had a mamogram that they found suspicious lump in left breast . The one that I had had cancer in 3 years prior to that.. Oh ya that made my heart beat fast. I had to wait a whole weekend to go back in to get another mamogram and see a surgeon. In the mean time my mother inlaw Marge called from The Dallas Oregon and said she had been praying for me and that the Lord had given her a scripture and that she was to call me and tell me what it was. She also said Lord how will she know it is really from you. Marge told me that some one else would tell me the exact same scripture. Well about a hour later my life long bousim buddy Rose called me and said that she had been reading her bible and that the Lord pointed out a scripture to her and that she was to call me and tell me that it was from him to me.

Yes you guessed it , it was the exact same scripture.

Psalm 121

A song of ascents.

1I lift up my eyes to the hills—

where does my help come from?

2My help comes from the Lord,

the Maker of heaven and earth.

3He will not let your foot slip—

he who watches over you will not slumber;

4indeed, he who watches over Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5The Lord watches over you—

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

6the sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7The Lord will keep you from all harm—

he will watch over your life;

8the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Dinners with love to Kail and family

Thank you everyone who made dinners for Kail and her family. I know that it was a real blessing to her family and because I am the Mom it was a big blessing to me to see everyone love on her family. She is an amazing strong young woman. I keep saying how easy she makes it all look, but she assures me it was not easy.

I know it is not is so many ways, but what I see from her is pure strength. She is a real encouragement to me in so many ways. Way to go Kail!!!

making a commitment to live the in between moments.

I was talking with a friend the other day telling her how I wanted to learn how to enjoy the in between times. I am always so focused on the next big event that I miss out on the ordinary day that is the next event. I just need to look at it differently.
I am always looking at the next holiday, birthday, vacation, dinner out, anniversary. Something other than looking at each day and finding the event in that day.
I am truly taking the time to be with who ever I am spending time with. Not thinking about the next thing I am off to do. It takes something so simple as just standing and talking in the grocery store to a whole new level. That is the moment
When you see something on the side of the road you find that is beautiful. Pull over, get out of the car and look at it more closely. I look back to just 2 days ago when Dan and I were driving down a street and the wind hit the trees and the leaves were blowing out of it like crazy ( like snow). I should have got out of the car and just let them fall on me. I am going to do that next time. That is the moment.

Last year on the way to my uncles funeral in Pendleton Oregon it was in the fall. Dan, Rachael and I went and along the road is this amazing tree farm. I mean amazing. We pulled over and looked down the thousands of thousands of rows of trees. we even took pictures of each other. that was the moment and I will never forget it.

my kids

I think about my kids alot , my husband and my grand kids. I have to keep the fear at bay. I love the scripture. " Perfect Love Casteth Out All Fear"  1St John 4-18.
I see this every day when I walk down my stairs. My daughter Rachael painted it for me on a GIANT canvas and it reminds me not to be afraid that the Lord loves me and his perfect love will not allow anything to happen to me that he has not ok"d. He is watching over me. I love this and it gives me great comfort.
I still worry about .. what if I don't make it this time. How will it effect them. We all have to die sometime. I want to be here as long as I can to be a part of their lives for many more years. I want to see my grandkids graduate from high school and get married someday. I pray that I get that chance.
I know sooo many people who wanted the same and they did not get it. I feel very blessed to have made as long as I have with having the first round of breast cancer when I was 25. My kids were so little that had I died then they would probably not even remember me. Yes Lord I am thankful for these years.

round 3 instead of round 2

Well just after I decided to blog about my second round with breast cancer I was told that I have it again.
That it has mastastized to my sternum. I thought I was literally going to puke when the Doctor called me and said it was cancer again. I felt like I just got done with it. Wait. I did just get done with it. I had finished my last chemo treatment in Sept 2011. They say it can take up to a year to really feel better from it. I think it was about the middle of August that I realized I could do a days work out in the yard and not feel horrible for it physically. Now 2 days work still to much.

I noticed back in June a sore spot on my sternum.  I had just returned form girls weekend in Bend and while I was there I got my boaters license. My sister and I took our 20 foot pontoon boat out on the Deschuttes river. Oh what a amazing time we had I will never forget it. We got it back to the dock and on to the trailer. I had to wench it up on to it the last little bit. My sister wanted to do it for me, but I knew I could do it. When I felt the pain a couple of days later I was pretty sure where it came from.

I talked to my oncologists nurse in early July and said that I had a spot that was hurting and she told
 me to call my plastic surgeon. His Nurse told me to take some anti inflammatory. I did that for about a week and it still hurt. I called the oncologists office again and they had me come in and see the nurse. ( should have seen the Dr) She said that she could not feel anything and had me get a xray of my chest. The results came back that no cancer was in my ribs there. Great news. for about a week and then the old familiar feeling that something was wrong came back. This time I saw my plastic surgeon. He felt the lump and said that it was probably a inflammation to take some anti inflammatory meds for 10 days. I did that and it was bigger. SOOOO I stared back with my primary care physician. He thought it was arthritis. REALLY???? I just had chemo less than 12 months ago you don't want to look into it any more. He felt if I would feel better about it we could do a CT scan. So the next week I had a ct scan. That said indeed there is something there. So the following week I had a ultra sound that said OH yes its there and it is not a liquid filled cyst. SO I had a MRI and that said to have a Biopsy. That is when I got the call. Yes it is cancer.
So I have had another MRI of my brain a bone scan another CT scan of my body and then another one of just my neck. So far they believe it is contained in my sternum area.
I had surgery on Wed and they took out my mass along with a tentacle that was going between my ribs. Now I am waiting to see what kind of margins they got and in about 3 weeks I will start 6 1/2 weeks of radiation 5 days a week. I have never had this before, but compared to the chemo I have had. It should be pretty easy.
I will add more as news comes in . Could be pretty boreing.

Just getting started

This is all new to me. I have decided to start my own blog after being diagnosed with breast cancer again. I had it when I was 25 years old back in 1985. Then I was diagnosed again at the age of 50 in 2010.

My family has started genetic testing and found out that both my girls and I have the BRCA1 cancer gene.  More to come